Right of First Refusal + Rejection Note = Refusal Note

(an attempted reconstruction of a collective effort)

Dear Sir/Madam:

A pox upon you for submitting your work to our journal. We receive a large number of submissions every month, and none of them compare to the contemptibleness of yours. We have read your pages with disgust and horror. No, no, a thousand times no, we shall not consider publishing such garbage. Our current need is that we might forget the stain your words have left on our retinas. If we could cause this self-addressed, stamped envelope--the one enclosure with any sense in your most objectionable mailing--to projectile vomit onto your shirtfront right now, believe us, we would indeed. We do not merely pass on your work; rather, we kick you, and your work, dead on in the nut sack with our steel-toed editorial boots. Your pages are not fit to wipe with, and yet we have, because we felt we must, and thus our bottoms are riddled with inky little paper cuts, but we are glad of this, because it is nothing compared to the torn and bleeding flesh you have wrought upon our minds. We do not wish you luck placing your work elsewhere; rather, we earnestly pray that you never write another word again, burn every page that has regretfully dropped from your wretched bunghole to date, and do penance for the harm you have caused us, and literature, preferably involving violently painful flagellation, from this day to the one on which your corpse is blessedly lowered into the ground.

Regards,
The Editors